Sunday, 9 August 2009

Log Entry 08/08/111yc

*Eliza appears on screen, her eyes red as if she's been crying*

What did I become......

I'm finding it hard to even talk to other Matari, now that I'm free of whatever drugs the Amarr pumped into my system, I realize how monstrous I must have appeared to them.

*Eliza looks at her bare, scar-covered arms* When those drugs were removed, my scars became visible. They're everywhere, all caused by the Amarr.

The thought I willingly went into slavery makes me sick, even though I now know I wasnt entirely myself, it's no excuse.

*Eliza turns away, showing the scars on her back to the camera as she looks at something off screen. She then returns her gaze to the camera*

The few Matari I've spoken to within the Guristas seem to be ok with me. I think it's because they see we're all now serving the same cause, but I'm not sure I'm ever gonna forgive myself.

I went to a party at Three Sisters tonight, I had donated a Fleet Issue Tempest to it so thought it polite to make a showing. I kinda wish I hadn't gone. I've never felt so alone. The people I called friends before I returned to the empire for the first time won't even give me a second look.

I did meet a young Matari there that I've met a few times and have to say I see a lot of myself in her. I just hope she doesn't make the same mistakes I did. I told her if she ever needs anything to let me know but I think she just thought "Damn blood traitor" and didn't belive I was only trying to help.

I would be lying to say I didn't miss the old days when I could walk into the Last Gate and have a chat with Jen. Ethan, Myrh, Kimmi. Vaden and the rest but I think there's no going back from what I did, though I can't say I blame them.

The only one from "The old crew" I still talk with is the one I thought would never talk to me again and that's KJ, I have to say I have been trying to wind him up just so he'll get mad at me, Over a comm channel, not sure what I'd do if we met face to face.

I've not seen Jen for a while and I do hope our friendship isn't complety ruined, Last I heard she had left Veto to explore wormholes.

*Eliza sighs and picks something up from the table.*

I think it's time I forgot about the past and concentrated on the future and keeping my true friends alive.

*Eliza pins the Bronze tag of a Guristas ensign to her flight jacket and slips it on*

Its time to be Eliza again and not who people want me to be. Protect my mates, fuck everyone else. Its been a while since I went by that and I think it made me a worse person not living by it.

*Eliza gets up and walks towards the door, looking back at the camera, she reaches it.*

I really regret not thinking of this before.

Mariska out.

*The feed cuts off*

1 comment:

Manasi said...

head up , look not downward but ahead to what lies in the coming future. Stand tall be proud, you are free.